Reason 958

To have a man in my life.

Finances.

Can’t do it alone any longer.

I have two more long, hard years of school before gainful employment.  I have $300 in the bank.  I have been written off the work schedule because they don’t like my school schedule.  I make about $30 a week working in the lab.  Gas money to get there.  I have expired my cash assistance. And child support?  Yeah, we all know that story.  I’m claiming him dead.  Might as well be.  But it takes seven years for benefits.  Then I will only have two minors.

In the meantime, I am eligible for a loan.  It’s $4500 a semester.  And you have to go to a class at my school and take a test, wait for two emails and submit a zillion papers.  So, we’re looking at a minimum of October. I can’t not go to school after everything I went through to get in.  If I don’t go, I will ALWAYS be struggling.  Until we all die. But who’s going to hire me when my only availability is Friday and Saturday.  And sometimes we have class on Friday – if Monday is a holiday.  Starting August 22 and continuing with August 29.  So where can I work on a Saturday that will pay the rent and utilities?

Just when I think things will be fine.  They aren’t again.  It’s been over seven years and I am so, so tired.  So tired. So what do I do?  Another campaign?  Beg?  I’m quite sure people are sick of helping me.  But what do I do for two more years to help myself?

I don’t want to be 11 on my own anymore

Not that I’m really eleven on my own, anyway, it’s more like six now.  Eight still live here, true, but they have jobs and licenses and college and they pretty much buy their own stuff, and think on their own, too.  It’s great.  They are awesome friends, as well.

I don’t want to be 11 on my own anymore, because I don’t want to be on my own anymore.  I really, really thought I did.  Like forever.  After tbj left, how he left, what he did after he left, what he did while he was still there, what our marriage was like, what the last one was like, and how that one ended – I never, ever thought I would ever want a man in my life again.  No, not a woman, either.  Geez.

I spent the last 7 1/2 years avoiding men, being in a situation where I could possibly be hit on, or asked out – I went out socially with my adult sons, priests, or married girlfriends.  Very, very safe.

So what changed?

Well, my oldest three got married.  Happily married, to their best friends.  The parties in our social circle are all full of couples, and me.  All of my closest friends are happily married to men who *gasp* treat them nicely.  My younger children have been overheard to say they wished they had a father.  No, not that father.  A nice father who will actually acknowledge their existence – like their friends’ fathers.  All great guys.

There may be great guys out there.  Other people I know have them.  My cousins do.  My aunt does. I want one, too.  In fact, I have been praying for one.  A lot.

My children are getting older.  Almost half of them are adults, and a quarter of them are living their lives with their spouse.  I don’t want to attend another one of my kid’s weddings without someone to share it with. I want to dance and celebrate with someone of my own.

Pretty soon there will be no one left here but me.  That depresses me to death.  I don’t want to die alone.

I know there are a couple of my kids who don’t understand this.  I struck out, why would I want to risk putting myself out there again?  How much pain can I take?  They are overprotective of me, these children who have their own lives and don’t understand how I can feel lonely in a house full of people.  I appreciate it, I do, but I think after 15 years with a sociopath, and 7 1/2 years with myself and my thoughts, and my God I wouldn’t make the same mistake.  I also know that there are people in the community who don’t think I should ever be married again – they’ve told me so – and it is really none of their business how I live my life, no matter how much they think it is or try to make it.

I have a beautiful family, wonderful kids, a Nursing School admission, a promising future career.  Much to be thankful for.

Yet, I would never need anything else if I could experience happiness and grow old with someone who loved me because it’s all around me and it gets really, really hard to always be just me.

Cut it off

About four years ago, in Confession with my former pastor and employer, I was given a very solid piece of advice.  I don’t recommend going to Confession with one’s employer, and the boss even told me to go see someone else – but this time it was different.  The subject was of a mutual friend, and the boss’s counsel was always sound and kind.

The advice was, “If something is causing you harm, or is hurting you, you go see a physician and he cuts it off.”

I got the point.

Through the last several years, I have had an on again off again relationship with someone who calls me their best friend.  There have been months when we talked on the phone for hours a night, there have been months when we haven’t spoken at all.

We have traveled together, with my kids, and gone to beaches, mountains, movies, restaurants, plays, museums and enjoyed each others company.  We have spent weeks hating each other, too.

This person is not afraid to tell me if I look too fat, too thin, if I have a bad haircut, if I look tired (read ugly), if my clothes aren’t to their style or standard, if my house is dirty (I hear that one quite often), if they don’t like my other friends.  In fact, they feel quite free to bad mouth my other friends.

Recently, this person also felt the need to throw mw under the bus to one of my friends, to save someone else.  None of it was any of their business and they had no right to put me in that situation and we absolutely had it out with them telling me I deserved it.

My very best girlfriend and I had lunch recently.  She complimented my hair – new cut, new color – the same hair I was told was horrible by the other friend.  This friend who tells me I’m never positive.

My BFF told me, four years later, and with absolutely no knowledge of my Confession, to cut that person out of my life.  Life is too short for sharing with people who make you feel like crap.  No one should have the right to walk into your own home and speak to you like you’re an incompetent moron.  She said other things, as well.  My BFF gives good advice.